Reflecting....

I've been frustrated lately. Tommy has been working a lot, the kids have been more difficult than usual, Connor is turning into a B-O-Y through and through, and is testing my patience, pushing my buttons, driving me crazy--I'm sure most of you can relate! ;) Most of all, though, I've been frustrated with myself. Before I was a mother I never knew what it felt like to want to scream into a pillow as loud as humanly possible, while maybe even banging your head into the wall! I never knew I could yell--never really did until my kiddos came along! I never knew what a HIGH PRESSURE job raising children really was. I always pictured motherhood filled with days of playing on the swings at the park, walking to story-time at the library hand-in-hand, tickling, playing silly games, kissing boo boo's, and accepting wet sloppy kisses and hugs all day long. Well, I've come to find out that motherhood IS all of these things. The joys of being a mom have FAR surpassed my high expectations!! However, so have the stresses and the frustrations.

I take my job as a parent very seriously, as do most of the wonderful parents I know. And no other job that we do has so much at stake! At the end of the day, WE are totally, 100% responsible for bringing up these little ones to be all that they can be, teach them right from wrong, instill our values, faith, beliefs, teach them the ways of the world, shelter them from hurt and fears, and keep them safe, healthy, and happy! What a gift this is--and I truly, truly believe that! It's so hard when we get caught up in the little frustrations of the day (which sometimes seem like HUGE frustrations) and see the BIG picture! I love my babies more than life itself, and nothing makes me happier than to see them smile, hear them belly-laugh, watch them discover something new, or most of all, accept one of their wet, slobbery kisses! I'm praying that I can see that BIG picture, and not get so caught up in why the kitchen floor is never clean, why I can never get a load of laundry folded, or why my life sometimes seems to resemble the screen-play from the movie "Groundhog Day"! :)

I discovered something today. My journal from when I was pregnant with Connor. I got teary-eyed just thinking back to that precious time in my life. I spent a great deal of time living in fear that something would go wrong with the pregnancy, but oh, how I wanted that precious baby with every fiber of my being. I decided I would keep this journal handy so that when I find myself in a particularly frustrating situation I can look back on it. I'll share an entry with you now (if you've stayed with me this far--Ha!!! ;)

January 16, 2005
....I am so blessed with this pregnancy! It's such a true miracle of life and no matter what, I know that the Lord created this little one and that He is in complete control over it's little life--even as new as it is! I pray for the day that I hear this baby's heart beat, and then, when FINALLY I get to hold that BABY in my arms...a little less than nine months now (Lord willing)! :)

Oh what a true "miracle of life" these little ones are, and I'm sooo thankful for the gift of motherhood. I pray that I would be the mother that God has called me to be, and remember how blessed I really am!!!! Mommy loves you dearly, Connor and Brookie, and I'm so sorry for all of the times I get frustrated with you for silly things....I'm working on it (or rather, God's working on ME)!!!! ;)